Do you know happens to extreme social anxiety brought on by religious/sexual trauma when you enter into a hyper-sexual space? 

Well, for me it gets more intense, ramped up, amplified, and there are extra juicy spirals on repeat. In fact, my first event within the doors of IX came with an emotional drop that almost caused me to walk away from the scene altogether. It's actually kind of delicious to look back and realize just how far I've come in just a few short years. My brain likes to play tricks on me and tell me that I'm alone in a room full of people, who would touch, love, and fuck me if I just asked. That's how I felt at Litha. In fact, the morning of the event I woke up in a shame spiral about being a sex worker and fear of my body not being desirable, sexually.

So, what happens to said extreme social anxiety while running a hyper-sexual event as a founder of a literal sex magick temple?

This might be a big shocker… But the same fucking thing happens. The same freeze, the same smush. BUT with an added layer of responsibility, ownership, and a strong drive to keep showing up and handle the situation differently next time.

We had a sold the fuck out ritual/orgy last Sunday. It was the smoothest event I've ever facilitated and it was the first BIG event in which I had heavily negotiated scenes with multiple partners with layers upon layers of catharsis work happening within those planned scenes. Then the smush happened. I sat on stage, completely frozen after our group negotiation. The negotiations alone had me soaking wet, just dripping, drenched from merely hearing about all of the sexy things about to take place in front of me. There I sat and watched so many people I love completely lost in moments of passion, locked in moments of time that now feel like a movie. All while I was on the sidelines, waiting for my turn, which never came because I got stuck in my head. I froze. The big and hard parts of facilitating the event were "over" and I, as a facilitator of the event, founder of the temple, sex witch in all of the glory that is the oxytocin high, straight locked the fuck up for the entirety of the orgy.

It's not like I was disappointed or upset by any of the event. Our ritual was amazing and during the orgy I got to talk to newbies, hangout with friends, and watch lovers have the time of their life. It was nothing like what I wanted/expected/hoped for. Certain partners promised more than what they were able to give, other partners were let down by my inability to preform pre-negotiated scenes, people I was excited to experience for the first time were satisfied by other people. And yet, here I sit, feeling safe, loved, whole, and desired. None of it feels like it was against me. Let me say that a different way... None of the perceived rejection I experienced now feels like it was about me, because it wasn't. The truth is that I kept my red wristband on the entire orgy, if i would have changed that, maybe things would be different. Or maybe they wouldn't and I would still be processing the event going "why, why, why" about a million other different things. Who knows.

Today, day 3 of my drop (normally my lowest), I can confidently say that this smush hasn't made me want to leave the scene altogether, thank goodness! Pondering back on why, why the smush, why the freeze, why, why, why...

• I spread myself too thin with opportunities for play.

• I didn't communicate clearly the check-ins that I needed from my anchor partners.

• I promised too much to/of myself.

Simple and complicated all at once.

There is so much GOOD to take away from this experience and I'm so grateful that it's not the first or last time there will be an orgy with the beautiful community members that myself and Samsara have drawn. Remember, when we’re exposed to hyper sexual situations, we all can freeze, we all can experience moments of jealousy, envy, and feelings of less than. That being said, you are a bad ass. You are a dope being of light that deserves to feel all of the love, all of the pleasure, all of the experiences you crave, you can have them. You just have to get through The Smush.